The Music Of Achievement

1. You’re eavesdropping and you hear your boss has reservations
at his favorite restaurant. You know, the one you can’t afford.
Call them back and cancel his reservations - say you’re his wife.

2. Have a friend of yours make an anonymous call to your boss
saying that they know what he has been up to, possess
incriminating pictures, and hang up. It will scare the bejesus
out of him.

3. Put chocolate ex-lax in your manager’s chocolate licorice.
Not only will you feel better, it may wipe that constipated look
off of his face too.

4. Call the local Mormon or Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints
church and ask that they visit your house soon, only give them
your manager’s home address.

5. Every time your boss asks you a question, just look at him
and say “interesting” and go back to what you were working on.

6. Take your eyeliner and smears it in his chair when he’s not
looking. His wife will feel needed when she has to heartily
scrub and wash his pants.

7. Turn the pictures on his desk upside down and act overly
sweet and innocent when he asks if you know why they are like
that.

8. When your boss goes to the bathroom, turn his computer off.
When he asks you if you know what happened, say that you don’t
and it must have just crashed or something. Smile like the
Cheshire cat.

9. Enlist a friend to deliver papers appearing to be legal
documents that insinuate he is being sued for 4 million dollars.
Put word “joke” on the last page of the 20-page document. It
will be fun to watch beads of sweat form on his brow.

10. Remove all toilet paper from the men’s bathroom and put it
in the women’s. Shake your head in disapproval of the janitorial
help in your office when your boss complains about it.

11. Put your boss on all of the mailing lists of his most
detested organizations and clubs. When he asks you to call and
have them remove him from the lists, say of course, and never do
it.

12. Replace the vodka in the liquor cabinet with water. You’re
doing him a favor, really you are. When he comments that his
vodka tastes like water, respond smartly by saying that it
appears that just about everyone is cutting corners these days.

13. When he comments that the coffee is too weak or too strong,
ask, in a serious tone, if he is sure that his taste buds
haven’t changed.

14. When your boss mentions a particular food that he does not
like, purchase that item repeatedly and eat it in front of him.
Put your garbage from that food into his garbage can, so that
the smell will linger in his office.

15. When you arrive late, move all clocks back. When you want to
leave early, move all clocks forward. Pretend that all the
batteries need to be replaced.

16. When your boss inquires about your weekend, say you went sky
diving and to Italy. He will hopefully get your sarcasm and not
ask again.

17. When your manager inquires as to what your favorite TV show
is, reply that it is a child’s show like Sesame Street. Say it
like you mean it.

18. Out of the blue, say you have an emergency appointment with
your astrologer and it is important that you leave now because
your charts are waiting!

19. For your manager’s birthday, hire a palm reader to read your
manager’s palm. Pay them an extra $50 to say “Oh My” in the
middle of the reading and not be able to continue.

20. Grind up leaves from your backyard that look like pot, put
into a baggie, and send it to your boss. Stand there while he
opens it and gasp when the contents are revealed. Say “it is
none of my business” and walk out of the room.

21. Call the fire department and pretend you are in the office
next door to yours and exclaim there is a massive inferno in the
building next to yours. It is guaranteed to raise your manager’s
blood pressure a few points or more when the firemen arrive.

22. Time your manager when he goes out to run personal errands
and comment that he took an exceptionally long break when he
returns.

23. Run into the office exclaiming to your manager that his car
has a huge dent in the side! Walk outside with him when he goes
out to examine it. After he looks it over thoroughly and asks
you what you saw because he can’t see it, apologize that it must
have just been the way the light was reflecting on it that made
it appear that way.

24. Exclaim how sorry you are that your manager’s grandmother
died over the weekend and that you read about it in the
obituaries. Declare that it must have been somebody with the
same name when he says he has no idea what you are talking about
and begins frantically dialing his grandmother.

25. Superglue two middle pages of your manager’s favorite book
and return to the shelf. He will find it after the glue has
permanently set.

26. When you are simply not in the mood to get out of your
chair, proclaim that the copier is broken when your boss asks
for copies to be made. If your manager attempts to make copies
on his own and exclaims it works just fine, jam a paper clip in
the innards of the copy machine when nobody is looking.

27. When your boss asks you what you would like for secretaries’
day, first of all, reply that you are not a secretary. Request
that he answers the phone on that day as well as having all of
your whims fulfilled that are of inconceivable proportions.

28. Using desktop publishing, relabel a can of bug spray as
vanilla air freshener and place in men’s bathroom.

29. Call in sick and leave a message on the company’s voice
mail. State that you are ill due to the overwhelming imbalance
of wealth and power within the company’s structure and your
illness should subside once you are paid what you are worth.

30. When your boss asks for a donation to his son’s little
league fund, ask what the minimum amount is that you can donate
in order to keep your job.

31. When your boss invites you to the company Christmas party,
matter-of-factly state that you’d prefer to spend it with rabid
dogs and wild monkeys, but proclaim your sincere thanks just the
same.

32. Stockpile in your office your manager’s favorite type of pen
so that he is constantly bewildered as to where they are
disappearing and continues to order new boxes of pens repeatedly.

33. During your yearly review, exclaim that you would just like
to discuss your raise and not your manager’s suggestions or
comments. Also, add that you do have a list of improvements for
him that you’d like to share.

34. Find boss’s buttons and push them. If it is his weight, ask
if he has gained weight or do those clothes just make him look
fat?

35. Announce at the next company birthday (cake eating in the
lunchroom) that the boss is giving everyone a 10% raise. When
your manager pulls you into his office to discuss this, say that
he sure is losing his sense of humor in his old age.

36. Stack all incoming unwanted sales related faxes and printed
e-mails on your manager’s desk and connect all sales related
calls to him, especially the stock brokers. When your manager
comments that he would like you to screen all sales related
material and calls, comment that you thought he was open to new
ideas and new people and didn’t realize he was so introverted.

37. After next company announcement of a marriage or pregnancy,
proclaim that you are getting married and having a child, but
not necessarily in that order.

38. When company phone bill gets passed around asking you to
highlight your personal calls, always state that you would never
do that and never highlight anything. Say your family and
friends all reside in Tasmania.

39. As soon as your boss returns from a vacation, ask where he
went and always state that you vacationed there a few years ago
and how fantastic it was.

40. Five minutes into the weekly company meeting, excuse
yourself to go to the restroom and return twenty minutes later
when it is wrapping up.

41. When the boss is out of town, forward the phones to your
house and take a nap. Run back to the office if something needs
to be done.

42. Position a cup of coffee on your manager’s desk so that when
he sits down, you can pretend to fumble for papers on his desk
and easily knock it onto his lap. State that you hope it isn’t
hot and that no third degree burns are inflicted.

43. If you are single, place your grandmother’s antique diamond
ring on your married finger on the left hand. When boss asks you
if anything new has happened to you recently after he clearly
notices your ring, state nonchalantly “no, not really.” If you
are married, remove your wedding ring and state the same answer
when asked the same question.

44. On casual dress day, wear a bathing suit top and the
shortest shorts that you own. When you are called into your
boss’s office to discuss this, ask for a list that defines the
parameters of the casual dress day code.

45. Circulate an anonymous memo that this coming Friday is
fetish day so dress appropriately. Add that a $100 prize will be
awarded to the freakiest costume.

46. After your boss gives you an overwhelmingly long list of
items for you to complete, ask if he’d like for you to wipe his
ass as well.

47. Take items out of your manager’s sack lunch. When he
comments on this phenomenon, reply that society is degenerating
at an unbelievable rate.

48. When you manager asks you how your day is going, be honest.
Say, well, if people that worked for this company weren’t so
dysfunctional and psychotic, it might be a marginally average
place of employment.

49. When your boss says “good morning”, quickly reply, “Oh is
it?”

50. Once a week, send an anonymous email to your boss that is
spiteful in nature. To kick it off, the first one should simply
read, “you are pond scum.”

As Suzy stammered, my ears perked up. For distraction I called out, “Hey Kathy, put on another pot of coffee.” Suzy spoke again. The fact is, gouging my own eyes out with a ketchup bottle would not have distracted me. A linguistic calamity was eminent.

The hair on the back of my neck stood up, then it ran from the room. I knew where Suzy was headed. Her speech was like watching a car accident. It all moved in slow motion. Every instinct in me said tear the phone from her hand before it’s too late. But she had to learn to properly communicate with customers. Please Lord, I begged, don’t let her say it. Then it happened. Suzy uttered the words, “We’ll mam, I ain’t fer sures on that.”

Across America, English professors collectively wept. My mind locked. How could she have said it again? She had been with our company four months. Still, there was hope. Okay, Lord, you’re pretty funny, I sneered. Seriously, could her next words please be, “If you would not mind holding for one moment, I will find out the answer for you.” Ha! No such luck.

The gods hate me. After an awkward silence (while the caller and I shared an embolism), Suzy proceeded to take the customer’s order. Neither of them was any wiser for the experience. I stepped outside to meditate. Would I have to fire her? I was not fer sures on that?

You hear many endearing phrases in the county. I find, ‘a doins’ quite charming. Such as there’s a doins at Bubba’s tonight. Translated this means, festivities will take place at Bubba’s residence this evening.

‘Pert near’ is fun. Linguists translate this colorful twist on grammar as meaning, ‘almost’ not nearby. As in, pert near everybody ceptin that cidiot been told bout the rodeo. Meaning, almost everyone, except the new city idiot, was informed of the upcoming rodeo event.

Unfortunately, telling a high maintenance Dressage Equestrian (they are all high-maintenance), “Ya aint’s fer sures on that,” translates as, “Hello, we are illiterate, so buy our product.” Following this with no offer to expand your knowledge and assist the customers says, “We may be illiterate, but that’s ok. We also suck. Thank you and have a nice day.”

Tourists passing through the area have improperly translated another phrase. “What chya doin?” is often misinterpreted as the rhetorical “What’s up?” or “What’s happening?” Sadly, that is not its meaning. “What chya doin?” literally translates as, “What are you doing?” Confusion on this matter is based on timing.

“What chya doing?” is often asked when your activity could not be more blatantly obvious. For example: You’re spreading cheese over flat dough topped with tomato sauce. Mountains of pepperoni are poised nearby. A stranger asks, “What chya doin?” Heads up: They literally have not connected the dots. Do not wisecrack, “Installing solar panels.” Before you know it, you’ll be explaining how green peppers affect your hot water supply.

Here in South Dakota low wages have brought in large numbers of Customer Service call centers. Airlines, finance companies, catalog sales, these types of companies coagulate around Rapid City. Lately there has been a lot of concern over competition from India. Apparently the population of India is highly educated and enunciates in a manner more understandable than that of South Dakotans. Americans, not having Hindi as the mother tongue, stand little chance. Still, there is a certain irony in residents of the Black Hills losing something to Indians. How many groups will that statement offend? I ain’t fer sures on that.

Field Notes on Country Linguistics is an excerpt from the satire Bitch Unleashed: The Harsh Realities of Goin’ Country by Nola L. Kelsey. A free e-book copy of Bitch Unleashed is available on Nola Kelsey’s web site at www.NolaKelsey.com or order it at your favorite bookstore.

Power outage! Suddenly, my computer crackles and the screen blacks out. That means I can neither write nor browse the internet nor check to see if I have any interesting emails or Valentine’s Day wishes. I pull on my thick winter jacket and step out of my apartment. Might as well go see the sights of Huainan on this special lovers’ day, I tell myself as I step out the door of my sanctuary.

The stairwell windows are frosted. I wonder if that means it’s warmer outside than inside. As I step out the glass doors of the building that houses us guests I sense the balmy warmth that spring welcomes all life with. Yes, spring is in the air! I recall hearing the birds, the few that have not ended up on dinner plates and soup bowls, chirping excitedly to their mates. Perhaps, something tells them, too, it’s Valentine’s Day! I smile to myself, thinking how many eggs will lie waiting in little nests atop branches a few weeks from now. ‘Love is in the air, love is in the streets, love is on the trees…’ I compose a song and hum to myself. A few hundred metres away, I unzip my jacket - it feels hot inside those padded jackets.

Every few metres there’s someone selling roses and assorted flowers. I pass by a florist’s and notice they have extended their shop onto the pavement for the day and will probably overcharge every customer, too. Some flowers have the ends of their petals dipped in silver and gold, adding sheen to the already beautiful…like a sexy siren that paints her lips, darkens her eyelashes and adds some glitter to her cheeks and temples…They - the flowers look beautiful…and I touch one to see if it’s real or fake. There’s so much fake stuff around these days. It’s real! I want to buy a few…but feel silly buying flowers and strolling aimlessly around, a bunch in hand with no one to give them to and decide against it…

I walk further…into the main shopping area and notice more flower-sellers as they push their wares into the faces of couples…they don’t bother me…single men with beards have no need for flowers on Valentine’s Day, they probably reason. I ignore them as they did me. Tat for tit!

Crowds swell in the prelunch hour as I stroll singing my song that no one seems to hear or understand if they do. I hope some pretty girl will smile at me and push her arm into mine. No one does…my song lies wasted like some flowers will tomorrow…thrown onto the pavement following a quarrel or whatever. At least my song lies wasted without a quarrel, I console myself.

Valentine’s day seems to be big all over China. They already had their own and now have an extra one, an import. Well, I suppose, appetites are growing and celebrations need to keep pace with them. I walk on…until I find myself at the glass doors of the building that houses me and my kind…I climb up the four flights and enter my apartment. Power is back and, thankfully, it got there before I did, I think to myself. I switch on the computer and wait as it hums and crackles back to life.

I log onto a chatsite and wish everyone a Happy Valentine’s Day. No one responds, except one, with a ‘where are you from?’

‘My mother’s pu–y’, I want to answer out of sheer pique, but desist. It’s Lover’s Day! Perhaps, on a Lover’s Day such as this, I was planted. ‘Love is in the air, love is in the streets, love is on the trees…’ I hum to myself, ‘love is everywhere…but where on earth am I…’

Rajesh Kanoi (Jack) is a published writer, now living and working in China. Many of his short-stories, poems and articles have been published, including a book of short-stories, ‘Tales From China’ (Lipstick Publishing).

http://www.writingup.com/blog/oneinabillion
http://o3.indiatimes.com/kjack/archive/2006/02/14/474924.aspx

“Where are your bananas?” It seemed like a logical question to
ask. For all of my forty trips around the sun, bananas were a
key item to place in the grocery cart. For the first time I
could recall, the banana bin was empty. So I asked a store
worker where the bananas were.

“We don’t have any,” he replied. “We’ll be getting some in
tomorrow.”

It took me a few moments to absorb this information. “What do
you mean you don’t have any?” I thought. “Every store has
bananas.” True, sometimes they are almost green enough to pass
for bent cucumbers. And they occasionally appear to have lost an
arm-wrestling match with a watermelon. But there are always
bananas of some sort in the store.

Then it dawned on me just how foolish my expectations were. I
live well north of New York City. Even if somebody invented a
way to cultivate them in the Great White North, it was early
April, and they would not bear fruit at that time of year. For
goodness sake, outside the snow was falling and inside I was
expecting tropical bananas!

If you commute in a big city, you might have noticed traffic
grinding to a halt. Why? Look to bananas for the answer. Just as
I was frustrated by my grocery expectations not being met,
millions of commuters are frustrated daily by their traffic
expectations not being met.

Consider some of the major machines in your life, such as
television. Twenty years ago, we would watch a TV show. Ads
would come and ads would go, but we would watch it from start to
finish. Who does that these days?

“What were you watching, honey?”

“I dunno. But I think I caught 412 channels.”

And if ever you should lose the converter … I know, I know,
this is a family publication, so we’ll cut the profanity.

And what about the Internet? If a web site takes more than five
seconds to load, where are we?

“Did you order that book from Amazon for me?”

“I dunno. But I think I reached warp speed with my clicking
finger. Ouch! I think I sprained it.”

If fancy TV gadgets and high-speed Internet feed our impatience,
what about car ads? Vrroooooommm. See how fast this car can go?
Wow. It does zero to 60 in 5.2 seconds … in the ad. And zero
to zero in half an hour stuck on the Santa Monica Freeway.

As we expect our machines each day to break yesterday’s speed
record, our cars seem to be slowing to a crawl. That’s because
more and more people are squeezing onto the same road space
trying to zoom faster and faster and honking their horns louder
and louder (because we all know that cars move faster when their
horns get honked, right? Especially when they get honked LONG
and LOUD, right?).

Is it just me, or is this poor math? A realist would expect
traffic to get a little slower each year, which just proves how
rare realists really are. Every one of us expects to move faster
and faster.

And I expect bananas on the store shelf even when it is snowing
outside. So what can we do? Easy, we can grumble and complain.
We can shout abusive words at store clerks and other drivers. We
can honk our horns (not recommended in the fruit section).

Or we can step back and ask ourselves logical questions about
what we should realistically expect. For instance, “Can I really
expect bananas on my grocer’s shelves in the middle of winter
when I know the truck is stuck in traffic?”